[27 Jan 2005|10:31pm] my days are getting longer and longer, everything else is just going down.. 1 ♥ Comment

[26 Jan 2005|01:11am] i havent cried like this in a long time, really, as much as i cry.. i have different forms of crying.... everytime i think about jay, i cry. its getting to the point where i seriously just miss him, i mean i miss everything, he was the first guy that i was ever actually comfortable with.. as far as talking, or being sexual and stuff, i never worried about anything, and one day everything changed, i know im not anywhere close to perfect, but i wish he would let go of some of his anger.. earlier tonight he was being so sweet and i seriously got "butterflies" do you know how long it has been since i got THAT feeling? from anyone? it felt so nice... i just want him.. so bad. 4 ♥ Comment

[21 Jan 2005|11:43pm] [ mood | cranky ] i havent really been writing anything lately, i'm sorry, for some reason i have been very scared to say how i feel about alot, i dont really know why. i am just at a time where i have no idea whats going on, and in a few weeks, or days if something changes, i dont want to be reminded of it, i went through that before and i deleted my whole journal. it seems as if everyone wants to know about me and jay, well.. we still arent together, and he goes through mood swings and makes things difficult, i am no angel either i guess, but atleast i realize if we work together, better things will happen, all i can say is, i love him to death... and i am trying as hard as i possibly can, and i dont wanna lose him, i feel safe saying that. its funny how no guy compares to him, seriously. i could have other guys, but i dont even care.. i just want him, i got so comfortable with him, i know it took a while, i just dont wanna give up everything we worked for, i mean i overcame so much with him, i just love him. i know this isnt an "ericka+jay" journal so i will try not to talk about him so so much. i had a pretty bad night, people can be idiots, even friends. i dont want to go into detail, yet.. but i think from now on i will just stay at home, ya know? i think blake took some hyper pills, he is like.. wired, seriously. 2 ♥ Comment

[16 Jan 2005|01:04am] i was supposed to go bring something to jay tonight and when it got time for me to leave, i literally got so sick, it sucked so bad... i mean i was just nervous and i dont know why.. i never get nervous.. like ever, but lately with him, i have been, i dont know whats going on. Comment

[13 Jan 2005|03:41am] i feel like things are changing, and i hate it. ive probably talked to jay for 10 minutes total since sunday and i hate that, seriously. Comment

[09 Jan 2005|03:00pm] i feel like shit right now, all i wanna do is talk to jay, i called him and he didnt answer so i hope he calls back soon. maybe i will explain later, but i doubt it. my journal needs to be redone so bad. this layout is getting so old. 1 ♥ Comment

[06 Jan 2005|02:12am] [ mood | crazy ] i'm going to lay here and write in my livejournal, like.. THATS WHATS UP! don't ask. anyways, ive been so sick lately, i hate it. BLAH. all i need is sex, seriously, you like never know how much sex really means until its... well until you arent getting any, its true, whether you agree or not. i wish more of my friends would get livejournals so that someone would actually comment,i hate writing when no one says a damn thing, it sucks. jay dear -- get a livejournal again please. sleepy time. 6 ♥ Comment

[04 Jan 2005|03:25pm] i've never been so heartbroken in my life, i am not 100% sure i can handle it. Comment

[02 Jan 2005|04:18pm] [ mood | cranky ] [ music | 311 - jupiter ] happy new year everyone <3 i took some pictures of the fireworks because i am a loser and i take pictures of everything.   sorry that i havent really been writing, but no one ever comments... and ive been busy and sick. 1 ♥ Comment

[30 Dec 2004|01:23am] i think he could be the closest thing to perfect that i had... Comment

[30 Dec 2004|01:19am] one more kiss could be the best thing one more lie could be the worst and all these thoughts are never resting and you're not something i deserve in my head there's only you now this world falls on me in this world, there's real and make believe this seems real to me you love me, but you dont know who i am i'm torn between this life i lead and where i stand you love me, but you don't know who i am so let me go let me go i dream we head to what i hope for and i turn my back on loving you how could this love be a good thing when i know what i'm going through in my head there's only you now this world falls on me in this world, there's real and make believe this seems real to me you love me, but you dont know who i am i'm torn between this life i lead and where i stand you love me, but you dont know who i am so let me go, just let me go no matter how hard i try i cant escape these things inside i know, i know but all the pieces fall apart you will be the only one who knows who knows you love me, but you dont know who i am i'm torn between this life i lead and where i stand, you love me, but you don't know who i am so let me go just let me go 2 ♥ Comment

[27 Dec 2004|04:59pm] my friend corey died, and he wake is tonight.. it's so sad. i can't go to it. i can't handle stuff like that anymore. 1 ♥ Comment

[27 Dec 2004|01:15am] to say the way i feel, in the easiest possible way, listen to "white flag" - DIDO. </3 Comment

a letter to you... [26 Dec 2004|12:19am] I always find it hard to talk to you, mainly because of i think so much of you, so highly of you. but i just wanted to say that i will never be perfect, i will probably never be on your level.. but i do love you, i may not do exactly what you want, but i am doing all i can, i may not give you all you want, but i am giving you all i can. i love you and i am scared, mainly because i know i am better and i know "we" could be better, but i dont know how its going to be when you come back.. i just want it to be okay, because i am trying, so hard. i am so ready, i just hope you are. i love you. Comment

[25 Dec 2004|01:31pm] Merry Christmas everyone. This Christmas sucked, I tried to so hard and kept telling myself I wasnt going to cry, but I did, of course. I am crying right now actually. Just everything is wrong, not how it usually is. Everything is bothering me, i texted 12 people and told them Merry Christmas, may I add, these 12 people "like me so much" some feelings even go deeper than that.. and NONE of them wrote back. I know that isnt a big deal, but I am just so bothered, that everything is getting to me, I wish Jay would call, i just wann hear his voice.. maybe it would help me. I went to the shelter, it was a good experience. 1 ♥ Comment

[24 Dec 2004|06:15pm] so it's christmas eve. woo hoo. (sarcasm) i've decided that tomorrow i will go down and help the shelter, i have nothing else to do. it will be good for me. jarrett came by today, it was alright. he brought me another present. it is a watch, i'll put a picture of it below. he is a cool guy, and its good because he understands that i love jay, although he likes me.. he doesnt push anything, or give hints or ANYTHING because he understands how i am with jay. in other words, he isnt trying to "get with me" he is just being my friend, which is cool. while he was here, my grandma came by, she is english so she has this dumb tradition where we wear hats on christmas, so she made me and him wear one, she only stayed for a little while. i miss jay. i sound pathetic. but i usually talk to him every single day.. its only been 2 days but i just like to hear his voice. this is jarrett, wearing his cute hat. lmao this is my christmas tree, i think its cute. this is the watch he gave me. Comment

[24 Dec 2004|01:33am] [ mood | cold ] christmas is almost here. doesnt feel like it, although it is 22 degrees at the moment, here in LOUISIANA! *note: louisiana is never cold* so its cool, i guess it helps the christmas feeling a little. although it may be a little depressing for me, i will live, some people have it worse i know. alot of people probably do. i may go to like a shlter or something and help out some, i dont know. jay is gone, he is on a trip with his dad, which is good i guess, i am just ready for him to come back so we can have *our* christmas. it should be nice. i really love him.. its weird. like i dont think i have ever been in love before... he called me last night and i was asleep.. but i talked anyway because i will always talk to him, and i dont think we talked long, but i remember saying "i love you" he didnt say anything back because he doesnt wanna say that right now but he said "i'll miss you" i dont know.. it just made me feel good. 3 ♥ Comment

[22 Dec 2004|01:41pm] blah. to anyone who bought stuff from me and hasnt recieved it yet. IM SORRY. everything has been so hectic with moving and stuff. plus every day life, i have it and i will be sending it RIGHT after christmas. Comment

[22 Dec 2004|02:50am] [ mood | content ] tonight i had a conversation with jay and it just made me realize.. just why its not so easy for me to let go. like, he was so reasonable, and calm, just like ive always wanted him to be, and i appreciated that so much. i guess good things do happen, when you dont expect them to, because the last thing i expected tonight was a nice conversation, with him.   5 ♥ Comment

[20 Dec 2004|05:41pm] [ mood | creative ] i feel like being random. i have a charm bracelet, which i used to be obsessed with, lately i havent added anymore to it, but here's pictures of all of the charms. i wont go into detail because it is really no ones business what they all mean. but if you do have some questions, just ask.   so there you go, and thats not even all. i just... gave up. lmao. i think i am falling in love, yes, very well could be. 4 ♥ Comment

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